Being Someone's Light in the Midst of Darkness

I have 11 hours left to end the day and start another one.
October 14, one fateful day when my world crash just right in front of me.
I guess I haven't totally moved on yet and only time will heal the greatest wound....despair....

While in the process of healing, I am glad to have had some help along the way.
I must admit that this was not the best position to be in. Its rather embarrassing but I'd do whats best for me to survive and just work on making it up later.

My thoughts are incoherent.
I sit down one day having this wonderful topic to talk about yet I am presented with lots woes and worries. The Law of Attraction says to just stay positive and never worry but I am only human enough. I can only take what I can. Whatever is in excess can either be detrmintal.

I laugh.
Not because im Happy...but because I want to simply ignore the harsh reality that is currently happening and pretend that everything is going to be alright.....

I regret and I've resentments.
People who you think have been your closest friend have finally unleashed their true colors...vice versa. WHat is more revealing is, the person/people who are incapable of helping are the ones able to help you while those with all the means in the world couldn't care much. Seriously, it is when I think of it that I get depressed.

I stay in love.
Love is something that cures all types of wounds. Dont believe it? I do. I am loved and I mean romatically. I have friends. I know who they are and I believe they know if I feel it for them. I can be plastic but as real as I am, I know in due time, Ill be able to say whatever I want. Its just a matter of time.

I stay positive.
The future may look as cloudy as the sky right now but things will turn better.
And when it happens, Ill do a life changing revamp. Ill delete names, Ill forget people who were mean to me and above all ill continue to treasure and keep and love those who mean to me. When I say DELETE, I mean it and it will probably be one of the most shocking thing I will be doing.

I am dedicating this blog to Jay Navarra who selflessly did not give up on the fact that everything will be alright. I draw strength from people who are humble and giving despite them having less. After I get through this, it is one thing I am totally going to commit to doing.....

What about if i start wrtiting about the people I hate for the past 2 months of my life.....ain't that a bitch! haahaha seriously.....leave your comments when you want to....

A New Start and A New Beginning!

It took me some time to finally get my motivation back and start writing again. One of the people who is responsible for this is Lester who constantly updates his blog.

Like I told him, my first blog was created last 2003 when it wasn't a fad yet. Now, anyone has their own blog site and some of them even have specific to talk about. I was tempted to do my own but i thought restricting myself to a specific topic will mean more time and dedication to it....just like in the film of Julie and Julia....

2010 brought about a lot of things and happenings in my life. Events I was happy and devastated. This year was definitely not mine to really celebrate but for me to reflect on the next coming years.

I guess the only thing that keeps me going is the saying that "whatever doesn't break me, cant make me weak"

Im back and Until i get a job, I shall be able to blog at least once a week and see if something is really interesting enough to be written and posted....

M-y A-wesome U-ndertaking!!!!!

It's been weeks and probably the proudest thing I could say right now after speaking to the person I broke up with is that I composed myself too well to just let it all out....in short, I learned to be HONEST in a very awkward way...

It has been a year where lots of lies were made, lots of denials and betrayal experienced. Through it, I gained respect for myself and I taught myself a valuable lesson. I cannot be someone else's baggage nor would I allow someone to be mine (baggage I mean!).

Decision-making is such an easy task to some but probably may just be the most difficult for the rest. I'll include myself in the latter. It has been sometime that I refused to accept that something must be broken to have it fixed...yet, I kept on fixing what appears to be a stubborn mess. Now that I have finally made that decision, it hurts a while but becomes an avenue of reminder that we do need to do it.

It is not easy speaking to someone you spent most of your time day in and day out that you're dating someone. Im in limbo though as this dating is something I have not anticipated just right after getting out of a relationship. To some, your intention of getting out might just be viewed as rubbish....Could you stop your heart beating just because you broke up? I dont think so....

I call all the gods right now just let me and allow me to take each day as a blessing that I will meet wonderful people. People that may not necessarily be the one I would end up for a long period of time but someone I can dearly consider.

No where the hell am I? Still lost and needs to be found.....

Springing Back to Life

I have a mission....

Muda in Japanese means waste.
That's basically what I have been having and taking for the past year. I've had lots of wasted moments and opportunities. I could have stopped myself and said that I should have no regrets over what I have done but as of writing this piece today, hell YES I have regrets...

Between me and sex? Hmmmm, wait a second...I don't think there's much of a comparison yeah? But to actually fight over it and convince someone to choose me over sex is just a little too much. Make that offensive....

I was asked "isn't it that you asked me for my convenient time?" I guess I did but then again I said "No this is what supposed to be done, we do not make sex as an objective in this set up"...That person insisted.

To the reader, I am currently in an open relationship status.

Then I realized that I wasn't important at all because the compromise could not be achieved. So I presented the option of cooling off so that person could figure out what was needed and wanted. Is it me or sex? I wasn't picked....Too bad for me....I sucked at it I guess.....

Today, I made a promise....I'll let go for good.
Ill hit the gym again and get back to my old self. I am not fat but I wasnt the fit guy admired by most of my colleagues as I thought it wasn't important when I settled down. I'll love myself without being consumed by it. I'll take things one at a time and then I will see what the future holds for me.

For you, THINK!
Think of the choices you have made because your choice defines the character you have. Right now, your choice just made you one heck of an asshole.....

So the SPICEGIRLS say......

It's funny that the past few days so little status being updated on Facebook and lots of things are actually happening. Each is like Facebook day in which the only difference was only a few people could see what's really happening.

I literally consumed all of my energy on the series of events that happened rather than spending my time scribbling a few words and phrases for the whole world to know. I love the attention but this sort of attention does not make things better, thus, you isolate yourself for a while and just surprise everyone. VOILA! You get an overwhelming response.

In my 31 years, never a day saw me resigning in a corner pondering on the various dilemma. Instead, I talk about it. Too much talk is just consuming me while the others see those stories as a play selling like hotcakes.

I am not going to make a litany of the things that happened this past few days. Instead, ill just put in mind that "too much of something is bad enough while too much of nothing is just as tough"

Too much right now is something I cannot fathom.
It's kinda addictive at some point. It both ruins and keeps me grounded at the same time.

Confusing? I am too...

Your thoughts?

So many questions.......the answers are few

I sit down today (2:35 AM, 16 March) pondering on so many questions.......I'm definitely on a roll and like any curious person, Id like to have the answers.....

why can't i get an seemingly simple and straightforward answers to my questions when I ask them politely?
why is it so hard to get through you when all i want is just to talk to you because I love you?
why is it so hard to take off those walls?
what must I do let you understand that I am with you and will be with you how long you want.....
what can be done to let us take the best of the both of us instead of the worst?
would you believe saying nasty things to you is just my frustration knocking through your heart to get you to listen?
do you believe that at this point of time no matter how frustrating it is, living without you would probably be unbearable?

It is just that I am too tired to vent out all my questions as the time dictates that I have to hit the sack.
Nevertheless, the questions I ask are nothing but questions. Probably, it doesn't matter whether Ill have them answered or not.

I just wished that it wasn't that hard as it was before.
I just wished that getting the answers were somewhat easy as staring into a magic crystal.

Wish you'd know that people get hurt.
Wish you'd understand that people do doubt and i am sure I do too....

In this crazy world, it is only the both of us who can give us the answers to shed light into whats causing this whole mess. I am not giving up for the same old reason that there is no reason why I have to. There are far more reasons for me to still give some more push......

Down But Never Out

The week was not forgiving at all.
Had been battling cough and colds for the longest time and it already signalled that I had to make this one visit to the doctor or I might regret everything.

Initial diagnosis was not really something I was grateful about as the doctor ruled out BRONCHITIS.To help you picture out what's the deal, I literally spit out thick pleghm which is not a good site at all. To make my description a little bit graphical, slight cough will not mean saliva being thrown out but phleghm...yes a thick one....

Then I had this mini coaching session with the doctor that my visit was long overdue....here are some lessons the doctor taught:

1. consultation with the doctor should be sought when cough and colds do not go away after 2-3 days
2. buying all the antibiotics being prescribed is stupid, get the first three days and if it does not have any positive effect, get back to the doctor and seek help again
3. going natural is no longer a wise decision these days. bacteria or viruses evolve. the more we nurture them inside our body, means we allow them to create strains and community of a whole-new weird sickness is on its way
4. lastly, HMO benefits should be used wisely....you pay for them so you take advantage when the need arises.....

Okay, I agree that these were good takeaways from that single visit I made. The lecture actually healed me instantly (emotionally I guess). From ntow on, I have a new perspective on my health, GET A DOCTOR WHEN YOU NEED ONE. When do you need one? Well, refer back to the 4 takeaways with the doctor.

The week was tough as me and my partner transitioned into something that is a little awkward. The term is OPEN. Yes! It was finally decided with provisions and all. Question is? How do we handle it. I guess the only way to find out is to test it.

Believe me, it may sound a little cheezy for some but it you are bound to act like this character for the zodiac sign LIBRA, balancing things like love and career is a daunting task. You can never have the best of both. Somewhat, one will have to get less attention than the other. Right now, its important that I make good out of my career. I get all these encouragements from my bosses, that I can make the most of my position if I only know exactlywhat I want. I vow to make things happen...

As for the other side of the balancing task, loving a person is not just like taking a spoonful of food that you spit it out if you don't want it. Sometimes, talking it out and lowering your pride could be the worst thing you'll ever do but it may be just the most efficient and useful tool you can rely on. Like I said before, it was awkward. Who said taking these changes are easy anyway.

Right now, I am getting back in shape. Got a clean bill of health from the doctor. I just need to reinforce more rest and get back to work with a much better perspective of things. It is important that we look back at things that cause our breakdown and learn from it.

I learned from the best.........