So the SPICEGIRLS say......

It's funny that the past few days so little status being updated on Facebook and lots of things are actually happening. Each is like Facebook day in which the only difference was only a few people could see what's really happening.

I literally consumed all of my energy on the series of events that happened rather than spending my time scribbling a few words and phrases for the whole world to know. I love the attention but this sort of attention does not make things better, thus, you isolate yourself for a while and just surprise everyone. VOILA! You get an overwhelming response.

In my 31 years, never a day saw me resigning in a corner pondering on the various dilemma. Instead, I talk about it. Too much talk is just consuming me while the others see those stories as a play selling like hotcakes.

I am not going to make a litany of the things that happened this past few days. Instead, ill just put in mind that "too much of something is bad enough while too much of nothing is just as tough"

Too much right now is something I cannot fathom.
It's kinda addictive at some point. It both ruins and keeps me grounded at the same time.

Confusing? I am too...

Your thoughts?

So many questions.......the answers are few

I sit down today (2:35 AM, 16 March) pondering on so many questions.......I'm definitely on a roll and like any curious person, Id like to have the answers.....

why can't i get an seemingly simple and straightforward answers to my questions when I ask them politely?
why is it so hard to get through you when all i want is just to talk to you because I love you?
why is it so hard to take off those walls?
what must I do let you understand that I am with you and will be with you how long you want.....
what can be done to let us take the best of the both of us instead of the worst?
would you believe saying nasty things to you is just my frustration knocking through your heart to get you to listen?
do you believe that at this point of time no matter how frustrating it is, living without you would probably be unbearable?

It is just that I am too tired to vent out all my questions as the time dictates that I have to hit the sack.
Nevertheless, the questions I ask are nothing but questions. Probably, it doesn't matter whether Ill have them answered or not.

I just wished that it wasn't that hard as it was before.
I just wished that getting the answers were somewhat easy as staring into a magic crystal.

Wish you'd know that people get hurt.
Wish you'd understand that people do doubt and i am sure I do too....

In this crazy world, it is only the both of us who can give us the answers to shed light into whats causing this whole mess. I am not giving up for the same old reason that there is no reason why I have to. There are far more reasons for me to still give some more push......

Down But Never Out

The week was not forgiving at all.
Had been battling cough and colds for the longest time and it already signalled that I had to make this one visit to the doctor or I might regret everything.

Initial diagnosis was not really something I was grateful about as the doctor ruled out BRONCHITIS.To help you picture out what's the deal, I literally spit out thick pleghm which is not a good site at all. To make my description a little bit graphical, slight cough will not mean saliva being thrown out but phleghm...yes a thick one....

Then I had this mini coaching session with the doctor that my visit was long overdue....here are some lessons the doctor taught:

1. consultation with the doctor should be sought when cough and colds do not go away after 2-3 days
2. buying all the antibiotics being prescribed is stupid, get the first three days and if it does not have any positive effect, get back to the doctor and seek help again
3. going natural is no longer a wise decision these days. bacteria or viruses evolve. the more we nurture them inside our body, means we allow them to create strains and community of a whole-new weird sickness is on its way
4. lastly, HMO benefits should be used wisely....you pay for them so you take advantage when the need arises.....

Okay, I agree that these were good takeaways from that single visit I made. The lecture actually healed me instantly (emotionally I guess). From ntow on, I have a new perspective on my health, GET A DOCTOR WHEN YOU NEED ONE. When do you need one? Well, refer back to the 4 takeaways with the doctor.

The week was tough as me and my partner transitioned into something that is a little awkward. The term is OPEN. Yes! It was finally decided with provisions and all. Question is? How do we handle it. I guess the only way to find out is to test it.

Believe me, it may sound a little cheezy for some but it you are bound to act like this character for the zodiac sign LIBRA, balancing things like love and career is a daunting task. You can never have the best of both. Somewhat, one will have to get less attention than the other. Right now, its important that I make good out of my career. I get all these encouragements from my bosses, that I can make the most of my position if I only know exactlywhat I want. I vow to make things happen...

As for the other side of the balancing task, loving a person is not just like taking a spoonful of food that you spit it out if you don't want it. Sometimes, talking it out and lowering your pride could be the worst thing you'll ever do but it may be just the most efficient and useful tool you can rely on. Like I said before, it was awkward. Who said taking these changes are easy anyway.

Right now, I am getting back in shape. Got a clean bill of health from the doctor. I just need to reinforce more rest and get back to work with a much better perspective of things. It is important that we look back at things that cause our breakdown and learn from it.

I learned from the best.........

The Anniversary That Will Probably Never Be!

Right now! It feels like the world is tearing up into pieces shattering the hopes and dreams of becoming happy. We blamed ourselves and managed to talk it for a good 2 horrendous hours. Nevermind the lack of sleep....I was hoping there was something that we could possible think that could innovate things until you blew the whole thing.....

I dont mind being tagged a cheater or a liar coz I knew I am guilty about it....so are you!
But to tag me phrases indicating your hypocrisy on our issue/s is totally uncallled for.

I am hurt....really hurt and the one whom I have vowed to stay loyal with broke my heart into pieces when he thought of me as an object never worthy enough because he was dirty and filthy......

I never saw this coming until the statement came out flawless from your thoughts out to your mouth.
I am in shock because its not how i saw your cheating and lying when I caught you. I thought of it as an area of opportunity for us to grew more and explore other areas that could make us blossom among the sewers of shattered relationships.

It has been hours since I made my decision. NO matter how hurt I am the only thing that matters right now is how things would progress according to what you want. I think i left my brain somewhere as I am not really functioning well amidst the terrible demands of my job.....I am out of focus....

Five more days onto our fateful anniversary....could have been, might have been...SAVED but i abhor the fact that you dont see me as your partner anymore but just a thing that is either clean or filthy....I have good news for you, I will never be your object and basically thats the reason why I am flaming right now.

If my anger could light up this office, youd probably know how disappointed I am.
I am shaking and terribly sad.....

Why? How come?

Choosing the Lesser Evil

Of Faithfulness and Loyalty...
Which one would you choose!
Question is, is there such a thing as being faithful? Maybe im biased as Im writing someone of my circumstance. Human by nature needs to interact with other human being.....Now im leading to something else that is trivial.

I think my dilemma right now is how to make things right and make sure I get out of this fuss that I am tied up with.

For sure I know where my heart belongs to. Without a doubt, I can say that without batting an eyelash. I am presented with lots of things to choose from because I have choices. When things get irresistable, they tend to cling to you more and all of a sudden you're trapped and all those important people gets affected badly.

I am saying this because I am remorseful of that fact I cannot resist it. I am helpless....I am addicted but I am sure at the end of the day I am addicted with you alone. I cannot even sum up all the words to tell you how much there is inside.

I am not going to blame anyone for this but myself and I will always find the solution for this at the right time. Things will just simply come to its right perspective. I just hope that it won't be too late when that happens.

I love you and I guess you just have to accept that fact that my love cannot be perfect as I have learned to love you in a lot of ways.

I am choosing the lesser evil and that is not by being faithful but by being loyal to you as the sun rises and sets. I will always come back to you because it is with you where my heart belongs to. Only you. Nobody else.

Envy

There are a lot of things I am really grateful about my life.

Now, as i go through the various websites i sometimes feel the inadequacy of things which should not be the case at all. I begin to ask a lot of WHY....One friend told me a few months ago that we should be thankful even for the minute and unnoticeable things that happens. We should be even thankful that we have pillows and blankets for others would only result to having rice sacks to cover for themselves at night when sleeping.

I suddenly felt that I could have these things that I want and I am positive I will. Question is, WHEN?
I struggle with this ill feelings right now that I feel like cursing at someone or whatever just to let it all out.

I feel like if I can only consult someone to tell me the timelines of my life, Id certainly do that.
As I write my feelings right now, I begin to feel a sigh of relief and I am positive that I will get better than good.

Point is, what sense can all these life cycle principle bring when one is always yearning for the answer immediately. I once again reflect on some of the good things I effect on some close friends of mine each day. Then I begin to feel thankful that despite all the discontentment in the world, I still manage to find the positive side of things.

I am giving a huge positive sigh.....

Goodnight everyone.

Getting on with Life at 31

31 is plainly a number but when tagged as age, everyone seems to make a big fuss over it.

Now why am i writing something about age?
I guess this is the time of your life that you start to reflect on the thing that you did prior to this age. Yes! I am 31 and just don't ask me if I'm proud of it because answering you is like solving a complicated calculus problem.

I remember I was 21 and it was the day I decided that I'm gonna get what I want. I came from a family that went through a lot of hurricanes in life. Aside from having parents brought up the traditional way, Christianity played an integral and important part of our day to day lives. Sad to say, I was not buying it at all..I just had other plans....(I swear my parents and my siblings will slap me for this!)

Born with an older brother (33) and a sister (22), I was more of the person who had strong thoughts. I say what I want and I would try reason when I had the chance to. So to make my random thought for the day short, I moved out of my parents home just because I wanted to be free. Not that I was a slave but the more I couldn't live my life the way I wanted it to be, the more I became miserable.

10 years later, I see myself living comfortably on my own making my own decisions, pondering on my mistakes and making my life better. I am better than good.

Some of the things I'm proud to enumerate for the past ten years:

1. made good friends and connections
2. took off all excessive baggage and learned to be mean when needed.
3. been broke but remained to be financially responsible (in my own terms)
4. and was able to buy things that I thought would take me a lifetime to buy....

I would not trade my decision that I made 10 years ago.

At rate that I am going, I have another moment to fill and that is to make the next 10 years more memorable....

So cheers to those who had ventured on life and never had any regrets......